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Friday, November 20th, 2009
7:50 pm - sup dudes
beav said something about lj and i remembered how much i miss it! kind of. not really. i just remembered the last thing i wrote in here had to do with assbag so i decided i should update about something not relating to assbag.

though....not much has really changed from april. i still get broken up with once a month and still feel like im playing emotional russian roulette. the only difference now is maybe im a little less nutso and on my way to self improvement bc im actually putting forth the effort (and 50 bucks a week) to do so unlike SOME PEOPLE.

of course a lot of this self improvement has to do with all the shit that ive had to put up with for the past year and a half, but there was a lot of stuff there in the beginning that im getting around to sorting out. it only took like...24 years. oh and im going to seattle FINALLY. for visitation purposes only, but maybe i can make some more connections to finally be able to move there like ive wanted? who knows. we shall see.

im going on a date with a feller named glenn on monday. he has the potential to be a major nutbag. i actually feel less interested to meet someone new every time i meet someone new. i made a failed attempt at a relationship with another feller named kris "topher" navarro. it was 4 months of a lot of me trying to figure out his fucking angle. turns out...there wasnt one!. topher was great up until he wasnt and while we are still "friends", i just dont know that i have it in me to try and make that great connection because with the great connection comes the great disconnect and im not at ALL prepared for that AGAIN.

the only thing that im absolutely positive about right now is hot water music is a good band that i need to incorporate into my daily routine.

see you in another 7 months eljay!

current mood: alright i guess
current music: hot water music

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Friday, April 3rd, 2009
12:53 am - people are people and sometimes it doesnt work out
ugggghhhhh why cant i stop?!?!?! i couldnt let go of rene but then i finally did when i met scotty and now i cant let go of him. obviously the problem here is me. i think maybe i just dont like giving up on relationships that dont feel done. when i finally realized i didnt have the same feelings for rene and there was nothing more i could do it was easy for me to move on as opposed to the earlier years when we kept breaking up for dumb shit (and sometimes not so dumb shit) without working through the problems. that same situation may be occurring. things were so good and in a flash it was gone. it doesnt feel right. i told him i feel like we never gave us a fair chance since it was always something and as opposed to work through the issues we just put them aside until they blew up. i know i need to just stop and move on and blahblahblah and i AM trying, but in situations like this logic is usually thrown out the window.

:(

current mood: blah

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Saturday, January 17th, 2009
9:05 pm - givin tiff something to read!
Five things you will find if you open my purse:
1. phone
2. keys
3. ipod
4. receipts
5. wallet

Five things in my bedroom:
1. the sardine can (bed)
2. new dresser that mommy gave me since she never gives me anything
3. the command center (comp and comp desk)
4. my bathroom.
5. random scotty things

Five things I've always wanted to do in my life:
1. travel
2. be rich
3. get married (kids optional)
4. be able to eat whatever i want and not gain weight
5. control the crazy

Five things that make me very happy:
1. forehead kisses
2. when i tell my little ant i love you and he says it back
3. when scotty looks at me like im the most beautiful person in the world no matter how icky i feel
4. awesome weather
5. when good things happen to good people

Five things I'm currently into:
1. paramore
2. finding a new job
3. cowboy boots (shut up i want some!)
4. going to sleep before 11
5. these awesome chanel frames i saw at lenscrafters that im considering splurging on when i get my eyes checked out.

Five things on my To-Do list:
1. new job
2. control the crazy
3. new tires
4. start working out again and get rid of the flab i gained back when i got with scotty
5. find a hobby

Five things some people may or may not know about you:
1. im entirely too trusting
2. i cry a LOT
3. i am never embarrassed
4. i was in therapy for 2 months
5. i used to pull out my hair and would give myself bald spots

Five most important moments of 2008:
1. breaking up with rene
2. meeting scotty big head
3. living with scotty big head in my new one bedroom apt
4. my nephew "chrissy" was born
5. losing my nose ring? i got nothin else really...

Five things you enjoy doing during your free time:
1. sleeping
2. watching scrubs or SATC continuously on dvd
3. making myself look pretty just so i can feel good about myself
4. talking on aim
5. playing free cell

wow....my life is boring. :|

current mood: blank

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Sunday, January 4th, 2009
2:28 pm - its funny when you find the words to say, you find no reply...
so we finally ended things. no yelling, no drama, nothing happened to make me hate him....so why does it still suck? it seems as though both of us still wanted this, but he didnt want to even try. he said there was too much damage. i know all the things i did wrong, and i think he knows all he did that was wrong. so if you know this stuff arent you supposed to work on changing it? true to form though...he puts his head in the sand. lets just give each other space and pretend the other didnt exist and somehow thatll make everything better. i highly doubt hes sitting there reflecting on what went wrong. as a matter of fact i know hes not. he told me on friday its easy to go to bed when youre drunk. everytime he was mad at me or we got in a fight he went and got plowed rather than talk things over with me. so of course...im at home trying to figure things out and whats he doing? i dont know for sure, but i have a pretty good idea.

i thought i played this one right. i mean it started out innocently, i didnt try too hard but i wasnt too distant, i didnt even sleep with him right away. i was straight up with a lot of things that i shouldve hidden. metcalfe said thats where i was went wrong. i was honest to a fault. how is that possible? how can you tell someone too much? i thought that stuff was supposed to be a good thing.

i know not everything was his fault. i did forsake him for rene a LOT. it was never intentional, but it happened and it hurt his feelings and i didnt even realize it until all was said and done. i wasnt the picture of perfection, but i tried to make up for it with a lot of things. i did so much for him, and not because i wanted to but because i loved doing it. like when i cleaned out his car while i waited for him to get back from new orleans, or did his laundry, or cooked and cleaned for him. i would come home on my lunches just so i could curl up with him if even for 15 minutes bc i loved being around him and with him so much. when i went to the store before he lived with me i could get stuff for him just so when he was at my place he would find something hed like bc im a health nut and he liked fruity pebbles and gatorade. i was even looking at visa and passport information bc i know how much he wants to go back to australia and he said he didnt want to go back without me. i never did or said anything he didnt say first.

when we talked on friday i said something along the lines of him loving me, but not being in love with me anymore and he said that that wasnt the case and hed never been more in love with someone than he was with me...so why does THIS have to be it? why do i have to act as if he doesnt live 20 minutes away from me, and work 20 minutes from me, and have my key, and drive by my apartment every night after work? it makes no sense.

i know im supposed to focus on the bad things about him and us in order to move on, and i have been...his no concept of time, his slight drinking problem, his short term memory, the way he justified his wrong doings to make me look like the bad person, his job, his never admitting when he was wrong, his stubbornness, his selfishness, his not calling me and telling me where hes at or what hes doing, his inconsideration, the fact that he was extremely insecure but would never admit it. there was lots....so why doesnt that make me feel any better?

sigh.

current mood: melancholy
current music: SoCo duhh

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Thursday, January 1st, 2009
5:46 am - when you lose something you cant replace....
happy new year eh? i dont have a boyfriend anymore, and my boss's last day was today. i know that doesnt seem like a big deal to most people but this lady has been a part of my life for 3 years and she was the one thing on my side at that place. her boss (ceo's daughter) hates me and told our new supervisor in so many words that im a slacker. not having my boss there is like being front of the firing squad with no shield. im basically done for. it was just a depressing realization.

scotty used to be my port in the storm. after work going downstairs to seeing him waiting to pick me up was the only part of my day i could stand. coming home and him being here on his laptop on the futon was the one thing i could look forward to daily and now its gone. last night i was at the mavs game with my friend richie and i texted him and he texted me back saying he was going to the cavern around 10 and if i wanted to stop by but he wouldnt be out too late. i told him if it wasnt too late i definitely would bc i had already had some drinks and i told him to tell me when he got there. we left the game around 10 i guess so i called him to see if he was there and if not when he could get there bc when he says a time its usually like 3 hours later and he just got really pissy with me bc he was with his mom and i kept calling him and that he wasnt going to be out all night blah blah blah and i tried to tell him i didnt know he was with his mom eating dinner and i just wanted to know when he would be there so i wasnt sitting up there waiting alone and i hadnt planned on staying out late either bc i do have a job to go to in the morning and i just wanted to see if he could also take me home bc i would have to get a ride up there and he was just being unnecessarily edgy. so instead of going home and going to bed and just leaving it alone like i should have i call this guy dirk that goes up there a lot and asked if he wanted to go and he said yeah so he picks me up and i walk in and scotty is playing and he just gives me this look like i had just betrayed him or something by being with dirk. why does it matter? youre not my boyfriend anymore. so then he and i start getting into it and i tried telling him why i was pissed and he kept just saying youre just drunk and acting like this all the while his mom is sitting at a table by herself and im like ok cool so you yell at me in front of her and now youre yelling at me more in front of her. so then i met her....i was kinda drunk but he acted like i was falling over breaking shit...but i was maintaining my composure. should i have met her like that? no. i was already in a shitty mood bc of him. so then he insisted on taking me home even though i was saying id just get a ride back from dirk and he was just like treating me like i was a small child. lets just forget the dozens of times hes gotten way more drunk than i was and acted like a retard. so then i call him when i got all showered and stuff and just started yelling at him and he eventually got tired of it and just hung up on me and would not answer the phone. i woke up this morning even more broken hearted than i had been bc i think i knew the lines of communication weve been working on for the past week or so were broken and there was nothing i could do to fix them.

just throughout the day its been nothing but tough realizations and now i have realized i need to get over it and just let it go. last night i think i just kind of had enough of what i felt like was being strung along. he wasnt giving me definite answers, he kept acting like yes he wanted to make things work but then kept acting like there was nothing he could do to make it work, and i just cant sit around waiting to see if he decides to be with me. all these i miss you and i love you texts dont mean anything if hes not even going to try. i lost a lot of feeling with rene before we even broke up and then i met scotty and it felt like ...wow....is this what love is really like? it was the best feeling in the world, and now its gone and its the worst feeling in the world. when you dont have it anymore where does the love go? am i supposed to just forget it and he ever existed? hes sent me a few texts today and they were almost as if they were from a distant friend that i talk to once a month. im glad he can just shut it off so easily bc its a little more difficult for me. i wish i could...just turn it off...because i really dont want to feel like this anymore. i wish i kept my distance like i thought i shouldve when we first met. i knew i was going to end up with the broken heart.

current mood: sad

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Saturday, December 27th, 2008
5:54 pm - :(
i miss him sososososo much. i thought it would get easier as time went on, but its only gotten more difficult. the farther i am from him the farther i feel from us. the more time that passes, the more time i think this will never work out because too much time has gone by to try again. i am one with the finalities. is that a word? no? whatever. i dont even know what to do anymore. i just feel completely empty. nothing feels the same. everytime i talk to him, im not sure if things are getting better or worse. im just so confused and scared that im getting my hopes up just to have the rug pulled out from under me. i really do love him. so what do i do? what can i do? why did things have to end up like this?

current mood: sad

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Monday, December 1st, 2008
7:24 pm - just live your life
things are getting increasingly difficult with scotty and i. its always something. even when its stuff he does, it somehow gets turned around on me and my relationship with rene. im not sure what i can say or do to make him realize that i love being with him and have no intentions on starting things back up with rene. i already told rene months ago if we got back together things would be good for a few months and then go back to the way they were. he knows it, and i know it. i can understand scottys position, but he also has to understand mine. something i dont think he does. he thinks im trying to keep rene in my life bc i dont want him to move on. thats not true at all. i am keeping him around because hes my best friend. before everything thats all we were. i just dont know how much more of myself i can sacrifice to please this guy. ive done all that ive could. i guess its up to him at this point. sigh.

current mood: blah

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Tuesday, October 14th, 2008
7:05 pm - survey on my new sig other!
1: What are your middle names?
daniel, and if you dont know by now youll never know.

2:: How long have you been together?
only about 3 months.

3:: Do you have any children together?
uh no

4:: What about pets?
hes kind of like an untrained pooch.

5:: Did you go to the same school?
well hes from australia and im from garland, so nooo.

6: Are you from the same home town?
same as above.

7: Do you live in the same town now?
we do. dallas.

8: Who is the smartest?
me. duh. he sings about his multiplying pubes on the daily. whats that say?

9:: Who is the most sensitive?
probably me. its not so much sensitive as it is i get pissy.

10:: Where is the first place you went to eat as a couple?
nandinas? if that even counts. when we first got to hang out outside of the cavern he got me super wasted and took me for sushi and long islands to go.

11:: Do you wear matching clothes?
ummm not really. it hasnt been that long to where we do that.

12: Where is the furthest you have traveled as a couple?
plano? haha. its been only 3 months!

13:: Who has the craziest ex[es]?
he has one stripper who he only halfway dated thats still obsessed with him and this skank whore with a kid who hit on him in front of me. i would like to say him....but hed probably say me.

14:: Who has the worst temper?
meeeee

15:: Who does the cooking?
so far me!

16::Who's more social?
id say we are about equal. tis why we get along. :)

17:: Who is the neat freak?
me! definitely. he throws his clothes all over the place and leaves the drawers wide open after he takes stuff out of it.

18:: Who is the most affectionate?
we are both equally gross right now i think. its been 3 months so we havent gotten sick of being lovey on each other yet.

19:: Who is the most stubborn?
id say equal. neither of us back down from our point of views.

20:: Who wakes up earlier?
me. we have opposite schedules. hes awake while im sleeping and im sleeping while hes awake.

21:: Where was your first date?
if it even counts...we got drunk the first time we actually hung out and ended up back at my place both of us falling asleep fully clothed!

22:: Who said I love you first?
he kinda did whilst drunk.

23:: How did you spend your 1 year anniversary?
havent gotten there yet.

24:: Who has the bigger family?
im mexican. duh.

25:: Do you give/get flowers often?
i havent yet.

26:: How do you spend the holidays?
well see i guess?

27:: Do you think you will ever get married?
its too soon to judge that.

current mood: relaxed

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Saturday, October 11th, 2008
3:23 am - oh hai
fuck it. im just gonna move to australia. live with the kangas and wallabies and sit on the beach while scotty surfs and possibly gets eaten by a shark. haha.

current mood: bored

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Saturday, September 13th, 2008
6:50 pm - rageaholic
last night i exploded at scotty. he woke up at 3ish and pretty much left without saying much to me and has yet to come back and he works at 9. i may have screwed up big time. i know i can be irrationally angry sometimes, and i have tried my hardest to control it and i apologized for it. i tried explaining why i got so angry with him and how i was feeling a certain way and when im pissed there is no trying to talk to me because i am hard headed and wont listen...he basically said he gets that i had this feeling but i was wrong so therefore there really is no understanding as to why i did it. i need him to be understanding otherwise this is never going to work. i need him to understand that from time to time these things happen without warning, but that its a work in progress. i feel awful, but theres nothing i can do to take it back so i really dont know where to go from here. i always hated when people blamed their parents and childhood for their problems, but thats pretty much the case. i have blocked most of my childhood out and the things i do remember are nothing but horrible things that no kid should ever have to go through. i dont know if its my blocked memories that are keeping me angry or if my parents being violent, brash, mean, short tempered people was passed onto me but i think if he knew a good majority of the stuff that went on maybe he would understand a little better. blah. im really bummed right now. all i want to do is talk to him and give him a hug and apologize, but he isnt here and i dont think he even really wants to hear it. what do i do?

current mood: sad
current music: bad astronaut

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Tuesday, September 9th, 2008
11:48 pm - oh livejournal....
i guess its been a month since my last update which means its time i do it again...things have still been rather swell. the occasional arguement with scotty boy but nothing major. its coming up on the third month and im not sick of him yet. thats a good sign right? i got to hang with tiff a few times in the past few weeks which is pretty awesome and i am glad we are good again! thats only bc she gave me a good haircut though otherwise i wouldnt be friends with her. :) i got to go to austin a couple o weeks ago with rene for ashleys bday. it pretty much ruled. i have fun every single time i go there which makes it harder to live here bc i see how much im missing by not being there. one day! things with rene are not really awkward....they are progressively getting better as far as us being friends go. still cant talk about my relationship but i think itll be awhile before that can even occur. i got my review for work finally and it was just god awful plus im on probation for 6 months before i can even get my raise. uggghhh. my car is a little crapping out on me, but she picks and chooses her days to work. im at the cavern right now because i am currently bored and internetless at my new apartment. the only plus to living alone is scotty climbing into bed with me when he gets off of work. its a nice feeling. things arent perfect, i havent gone without my issues but they are a lot better than they have been in the past 6 or so months. lets see how things progress, no?

current mood: mellow

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Monday, August 4th, 2008
12:20 pm - smitten kitten
lots of hanging with scotty occured this weekend. friday i slept most of the night except the hour that he came over when he was on a break from work. he just wanted to lie with me. it was cute. saturday we went to one of his friend/ex coworkers wedding. i met most of his friends and stuff on thursday at the pre wedding barbecue but i got to meet a lot of them on saturday as well. it was a lot of fun. everyone loved me apparently. this one kind of drunk girl said she liked me more than him. haha that happenes sometimes. i am pretty cool i think. so naturally... since it was a wedding there was free wine and beer and i got a little wasted on tons of wine and a couple of cranberry vodkas. i remember getting back to our hotel room and i remember having a hard time getting my contacts into my contact case but after that everything was a blur. i woke up the next morning like whoooa i so dont remember falling asleep and he told me some of goofy shit i was saying that made absolutely zero sense. of course. i kept apologizing and he kept saying it was ok and that it was cute and that ive been nothing but a pleasant drunk and then it dawned on me that i havent been in such a good mood drunk OR sober in a really long time. i explained to him how rene always shamed me for drinking or being drunk which would always put me in a bad mood and in turn we would fight or i would just constantly be angry. dont get me wrong, it wasnt like that with rene all the time, but it has been like that for a couple of months now so this is all a nice change. since i am a calm before the storm type person i expect around the 3rd month for things to start going downhill. so far weve been hanging for almost 2 months and things are peachy. lets see what happens i guess. sunday we lounged around a bit, went grocery shopping, he went up to work for what was supposed to be 30 mins but stayed an hour which kind of pissed me off bc he wasnt even working when he was there... he just was chit chatting. i kinda got huffy but he made it up to me just by being cute. we went to get mexi food and then saw step brothers. it was kinda cliche as far as a date goes, but it was still fun! plus that movie was fucking hysterical. i havent laughed that hard at a movie in awhile.

i do have to force myself to not think about rene. it sucks that we mostly communicate through little texts here and there but if thats what we have to do right now i guess its better than nothing. i cant say what will happen in the future, but for now im enjoying my present. hopefully this coming up weekend will rock which im sure it will because i get to see smashley and i love her sooooooo!

current mood: giggly

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Sunday, July 20th, 2008
6:05 pm - everything that we survived, its gonna be alright
so ive moved into the new place. its alright. i mean...its just a temp so i cant be too picky, right? im within walking distance of the cavern which means ive been hanging with scotty a lot which means ive gotten like ZERO sleep. a bartenders schedule sucks. its killing me! last night rene and i got in this ridiculous fight. it was mostly his fault. he was being mean to me and just unleashed this shit storm on me and told me how much of an awful person i am and such and such. i cried a lot of course. it was all very dramatic. something that i was not at all expecting bc we said we would not do dramatics. i ended up telling him about scotty which obviously he was not happy about, but i also explained that scotty and i arent getting married and that this is nothing serious. its just us hanging out and me enjoying it because its fun and stress free. either way im exhausted with life. between moving, emotional baggage, and lack of sleep i dont even know myself anymore.

i miss my friends. more specifically i miss tiffany. im not sure she even wants to be my friend anymore bc ive been such a giant asshole lately. these things really are my fault. i get so caught up with nonsense that i forget about things and people that really DO matter to me. i hope we can be friends again and that you dont hate me! i think enough people arent too fond of me right now that i dont think i can handle one of my best friends feeling that way about me.

current mood: drained
current music: the mighty mighty foos

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Monday, July 7th, 2008
6:15 am - a little explanation
i explained to him that things were just not working and i have tried so hard to keep it going and if we kept forcing it to happen that we might not be able to maintain a friendship or the possibility of a future. i have this feeling he wanted me to be the one to end it so once again im the bad guy. ive already established that role in our relationship, so i might as well keep it up. i invited him to my dads on friday to hang out with the fam and set off fireworks and he bailed and didnt call me all night and somehow turned it around on me that i was the one that didnt communicate with him about what i was doing that night and he didnt know if he should call and stuff. its stuff like that that makes me think he really just wants to be portrayed as the victim. i know he doesnt mean it in a rude way, but it comes off as a little selfish. i love him, and i see him in the future....so what am i doing? i dont know. :( im so confused.

current mood: sad

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12:17 am - 10 months was a good run...
i think we are done again. i really tried this time around. i did. hopefully he knows that. it still hurts though.

current mood: sad

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Wednesday, July 2nd, 2008
7:56 pm - jumping on the LJ bandwagon
im watching this celeb rehab special thing hosted by dr drew. hes so hot. seriously. silver fox, much? im listening to keane- a bad dream. its the song at the end of the ep of scrubs where nurse roberts dies and carla says goodbye. that scene makes me cry everytime. hmm so what to update about? well i guess ive been a bad friend lately. its not that im intentionally blowing people off, its just that my life is so scattered and different now that some people just slip through the cracks. im sorry if that sounds bad, but its just how it is. at the same token...if people want to hang out with me and talk to me and be my friend things need to work both ways. i cant make these things happen single handedly. you know? ive gotten written up twice at work due to internet usage. my review is coming up soon so bc ive gotten written up twice i will not get my 33 cent raise. blegh. im supposed to be moving in with andrew for a month and a half while he waits for his roommate rusty's lease to end. it should be fun, but i dont think i thought things through thoroughly bc im really not going to be saving as much as i thought i would be. at least for a month and a half i will be living on lower greenville so i can walk to the cavern to see my aussie!

which brings me to my second paragraph.... i have a crush. its very complicated. avril lavigne style. rene and i have not been doing great. we havent been horrible, but we arent as close as we were when we first got back together. between my hanging out with my friends and his church and work stuff hes had going on its like i dont even have a bf anymore. we talked about splitting and then didnt quite get there and i was like ok well in the meantime lets try and make time for each other. well that didnt happen so i told him i just needed time to myself. hes made some slight efforts to hang out with me. he went to ozonas the other day with les and i for dollar beers and then to sherlocks last saturday for my friend metcalfes bday, but i havent seen him since sunday and havent really talked to him much this week so its like his small efforts are kind of too little too late. i really love him and would like for things to work, but i cant really force them too if neither of us are going to make any changes. its like trying to fit a circle in a square. so i figure i just need to not be in a relationship. this has been on my mind for a few months, and now i have this crush. hes an aussie bartender at the cavern and his name is scotty (hes not 15 i promise). we have lots of things in common and we just kind of clicked. we have hung out a few times and im not doing anything bad except i havent told him about the rene sitch. ive touched on it, but if things are fuzzy with us how can i explain it? he wants to move back to australia and doesnt really want to settle or anything so its not like i want a relationship with him, i just like that ive met someone new that i dont have to try so hard with. i know that probably sounds bad as well and i know relationships are hard work....i mean hello ive been in one for the past 5 years, but when you try so hard and you kind of have nothing to show for it, whats the point?

i dont know. im just confused right now by a lot of things. not just this rene/scotty business. like i said my life is scattered right now that its hard to understand much of whats going on with me. i did finally get to see my dad after 8 months of not seeing him the weekend after fathers day. it was pretty cool just hanging out with him and my stepmom. sometimes i find myself resenting him for all the crap i had to endure as a kid, but then spending time with him just makes me realize that he really is a good dad. he helps put a lot of things into perspective when i get confused about life. i wonder what he would have to say about all this rene stuff? oh well...when i have something more interesting to update about i shall!

p.s
not that i expect any from whoever reads this....i just dont want any negative comments about this stuff. if it were you, youd expect the same thing from me.

current mood: confused
current music: keane- a bad dream

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Wednesday, May 7th, 2008
7:36 pm - you know what makes everything better?
sex. sex makes everything breezy! i think im majorly pmsing right now. ha.

current mood: chipper

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6:13 pm - it seems we meet in the spaces in between
time for my annual update. things are ok i suppose. if you consider the fact that i hate my job, am usually broke, and fighting all the time with rene. i am doing excel spreadsheets for provider enrollment right now and i already know how to do what it is im doing. this means that im bored already and ive worked in that dept for a total of an hr and a half. this leads me to think that im not just unhappy with my job title that im just unhappy working at that place. its a good company, its decent pay, it close to where i live, and i get great benefits. but is this something i want to do? no. not at all. medical billing is not my calling.

now...today leslie goes 'ok im going to go with rene to the comic book shop.' and im like what? wtf? why didnt he tell me? why doesnt he tell me these things? i ALWAYS give him the courtesy of telling him where im going and who im going with and i dont do it last minute or have him find out from other people. i just think its a respect thing. i also think that i will never be ok with them hanging out without me knowing or me being there. i always feel bad for still having a hard time with this considering what i have done and just what weve been through in general. i love him and i know he loves me and i DO trust him, but i cant forget. he cant expect me to. everytime i tell him how i feel he is like 'i cant do anything right, is this not working out? are we ever going to be ok?' and then i wonder...IS it working? i cant keep thinking this way forever if hes someone i want to spend the rest of my life with. i am not unhappy and i can tell hes really trying, but i dont know maybe... its not good enough for me.

mediocrity is not so appealing.

current mood: restless
current music: somethings always wrong- toad the wet sprockett

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Sunday, January 27th, 2008
11:11 am - since i like wasting time...
RULES:
A. List seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself.
B. Tag seven people to do the same.
C. Do not tag the person who tagged you or say that you tag "whoever wants to do it"

1. i like cheese probably more than the average person.

2. i crack my knuckles first thing in the morning.

3. i hate ketchup.

4. im a stomach sleeper.

5. i talk about celebs like theyre my friends.

6. i drink coffee through a straw.

7. when im taking a shower i stick my loose hairs on the wall so they dont clog up my drain and then when im done and my hands are dry i bundle them up and throw them away. the amount of loose hair in my trashcan could create wigs for a cancer family of 10.

current mood: bored

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Monday, November 19th, 2007
3:16 pm - it's hot in hurr!
renes gotten into this adorable routine of waking me up in the morning with these inane habits when i spend the night...such as shaking his hair in my face, tickling my feet, pulling the blanket entirely off of me, or saying 'i wuv you biscuits' and expecting me to reply with 'i wuv you gravy'. did i say adorable? i mean annoying. adorabley annoying if you will. i love it. i do.

i have nothing else to report. as you can tell...my life is pretty dull! i DO however get to go to my sisters place today to see my awesome nephew. apparently hes blowing kisses now. i bought him a cute sweater for when/if the weather gets cold. its super cute. youre lucky i like buying adorable baby stuff, tiff! :P

current mood: hot
current music: paramore

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